I have a quick story. For work I often have to attend these fancy donor events that usually start with a cocktail reception. We’re criticized if we stand and talk to our colleagues, and frequently I don’t know any of the donors (who are all quite happy talking to fellow alumni, etc….but not so interested in talking to a fundraiser). This particular event was younger and the men for whatever reason were tall, stunning, and successful. So I’m walking around feeling like a smiling fool.
Now my normal way of operating would be to quickly down a couple glasses of wine and then have at the buffet. These two things would help me make boisterous small talk and put everyone at ease. And then I would totally kick off a whole bingeing cycle – eat the hell out of my feelings.
Instead I started listening to what I was saying to myself as I stood there:
So then I stopped myself. And started repeating in my head:
I am worthy. I am worthy of standing here. I am worthy of this great job. I am worthy of a big big love with a gorgeous smart guy. I draw love to me! I am worthy of standing in this room with a tattoo that shows. AND SO ON!
I calmed myself down. I didn’t repeat old patterns. In the past when I felt the terror rising, I would just say “Jenna don’t you DARE eat your feelings! Don’t be stupid!” and beat up on myself even MORE. But instead I loved myself and I won.
I realize I sound like a crazy person by sharing the voices in my head – but this was a breakthrough for me! And it brings home my two favorite quotes:
- "We all make up bullshit in this life. It might as well be empowering bullshit!" - Tim Fairbank, my Landmark SELP coach
- " Everything we fight weakens us, and everything we love strengthens us." - Wayne Dyer
6 comments:
Wow Jenna, AMAZING!!! Thanks for your authenticity and I love how creative your wheel is. Awesome share!
Jenna, thank you for sharing this.
You are not alone! I am quite certain everyone does this, whether or not we are aware of it.
I am definitely with you on the self-deprecating deal. How did you feel after you told yourself loving things?? Did you feel like it was forced at all? That's my biggest challenge. When I say things like "I am worthy" etc., there's another voice in my own head that says things like "Liar!" Wow. That guy needs to Shut Up, eh? How did you manifest the lovely and positive words without the little leprechaun on the other shoulder? I could use a little help on that one! ;-)
Thank you for this. I will try this all day today and going forward, and will definitely have a chat with the little green guy sitting on my left shoulder that doesn't belong there.
So much to work on! It's funny, but the more time I spend on this challenge, the easier my crazy life is becoming in many ways.
Now I need to go find an empty focus wheel and get to work.
Cheerio! Bye bye little green man!
Jen
Wow Jen, I love your wheel and your story! And I loved hearing about the voices in your head too. ;) Not only because--like Jennifer said--we all have them, but you were brave and honest enough to share. Also because I would NEVER have guessed that such things were going on in your head. You come as as THE most confident person and I have truly never met anyone better at conversation--with ANYONE. I mean, you could talk to a tree and probably have endless witty things to say! ;) It just goes to show that you never know how someone is really feeling. I have a horrible habit of assuming that everyone else's lives are perfect and that everyone around me is full of confidence and has no problems. Things like Facebook don't help my inferiority complex because everyone presents themselves in the best possible light. If more people were honest like you and able to expose a little vulnerability, we might all feel like we're going through this thing called life TOGETHER (connectedness) instead of feeling like we're all alone to deal with our problems. I don't know if this is making any sense but the main gist is: thanks Jen and I can totally relate to you!!! xo
Oh Jenna. How perfect to share. I love the layers of getting closer and closer to the truth and shedding the stories upon stories. It is only when we become quiet and mindful of the thoughts do we begin to stand outside them. Sharing the journey shows how skillful you are at being sane! and clear! and radiant.
Much love to you.
Jenna, thank you for your luminously beautiful focus wheel!!
It speaks and speaks the awareness your truth and the love you hold for yourself!
That was incredible ... I play some of those same tapes in my head and you did a fantastic job of turning the tide into positivity. I've very impressed - and proud of your accomplishment! Great job!
Melissa in Denver
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