Yes, breathing.
My heart chakra is heavy, my throat chakra seems closed. I am trying to breath into it and let go and allow the course that is meant to be... But I feel like the ship is sailing away on full speed with me clutching at the middle of the bow, hanging on for dear life willing it to go a different way. (Control issues, here? Ha!)
Let me back up.
No one has died. No one is sick. No one is getting divorced. My children are fine.
First let me say that I'd love this to be confidential, but since half the astral plane has been watching and already guiding me along this path I guess there's no secrets there! ;-) I do feel actually as if I'm the first to know something they've known all along... wow... sigh... Where have I been? Apparently right where I should have been and meant to be, of course!
Yesterday I followed the directions of "Poop or get off the Pot" in the area of control. I finally allowed myself the time (key development here) to take care of something that has been needing to be addressed for a year plus now: my business. What I found alarmed me: I realized I cannot continue along this path any more. The course must change to continue (more bow clinging here). Someone somewhere in this blog mentioned a sailboat and letting go of the boom and allowing the universe to take them on a beautiful journey, but they couldn't let go of the rope. Yesterday I let go and I am going out to sea - but in this case, the sea is a scary place with massive waves and I can't see (read, control) over/through/around them.
That is terrifying.
I have been operating at a loss for 2 years, thinking magically I would be able to make it happen in a certain way. Well, even when we wish for something to happen, we have to be quite specific about it or we will get exactly what we wished for in literal terms.
Here's an example. I have attended a few workshops by Sonia Choquette. They were fun. At one, she gave a very specific example about being specific in your requests of the universe:
Sonia was single and wanted very much to find a mate. So, she asked for a handsome, smart, funny, intelligent, sexy man she could spend time with and enjoy. Well, she found said man and everything she asked for was met. They got along. They had fun, he was perfect in every way. What did she forget? She forgot to ask that the man be meant "for her to marry". He was gay.
I feel like I am in the midst of something similar with regards to my business. I have asked for the guidance and love to create a fabulous product for people to enjoy - one that is healthier, allergen friendly, full of clean, beautiful ingredients traded ethically and using amazing earth friendly packaging. I definitely got that, thank you! What I forgot to ask, however, was for it to be profitable. Oops.
Minor details, I know!
This program has so incredibly moving and insightful for me, even though I haven't fully participated in the completeness I would have liked - another control moment - gee, is there a theme here? Can we please have a 30 Day Control Challenge? I could use one, eh?
A genuine and heartfelt thank you needs to go out to each and every one of you, especially Michelle, of course, who not only invited me on this journey but has worked energetic magic in order for me to participate even at the level I already have - you know what I am talking about!
While we are not even half way there, I realize I need to do a few things to make it the best 30 Day Challenge it can be:
1. Allow myself to let go and enjoy the moment.
2. Let love flow into my being and just be - with people, nature, moments, things, work, everything.
3. Take the time to take care of myself - to give myself the freedom and make me a priority instead of everything else. When that happens, all the rest will come into place around me and there will be LESS to worry about. Anyone else have this insight? I saw quite a few posts to this effect!
4. Let the universe do what it does best and get out of the way.
Remember the scene in "Finding Nemo" where they were riding the Eastern Australian Current? That whole scene could be a metaphor for our entire program: Go with the flow - know your direction - trust that you will arrive where you need to be - enjoy the ride - feel the warmth of the water - allow yourself to be taken there... this scene could be the topic of an entire day's worth of material at any given workshop really...
Today I am not liking this current and fighting upstream, even though if I were to let go it would probably be the ride of my life! I used to love roller coasters.
So while I write this and know exactly what I am supposed to do, why is it so terribly difficult to become Dory and just exist in this moment, feel the vibes and flow with the current?
I don't know.
Today I will be in the zone and allow myself to focus. I will give myself permission to do the work to it's fullest - perhaps tomorrow though when I am not baking for free and volunteering my time for my alma mater later tonight. (Sigh...)
Ironically, nearly 20 years ago I developed a nickname of "FOCUS" - for my lack thereof and attempts to do so. Today, however, as I bake and volunteer my time for others, I will create an intention of bringing back that nickname for what it is truly meant to be.
I can't wait.
8 comments:
Jennifer, I honor you and thank you for sharing from your heart. Being vulnerable is KEY to getting into the FLOW. Being honest with ourselves is KEY. Being honest with others. Opening up to allow and being willing to go with that is KEY.
I think your business is wonderful and I "get" that you need it to be profitable. If you love it, you might want to use the focus wheel to create the movement you want and need. Take a stab at that if it feels right and share with me and I will work with you to get that focus wheel where you want it to allow the universe to take you into the current. Ultimately, it's not about the business it's about what you wanted the business to give you. I believe that was independence and freedom. Yesterday we were all on the brink, today we are in the current!
Namaste,
Michelle
Wow, MIchelle, just wow!
Love your response. It is SPOT ON - of course - and just exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you!!!!!
Ding, ding, ding! You are correctomundo! "independence and freedom", why yes, thank you, that is exactly what I wanted out of this, among other things... ;-)
Let's ride the internal wave, people, and join this beautiful current. Mine today is purple - how about yours?
Oh, and YES, when I do actually get home eventually this evening, I absolutely intend to try out the focus wheel.
Very much looking forward to that!
And yes, please I would love any assistance you care to share.
And now for a good sigh... Ahhhhhhhhh......
Hey Jennifer. I was very moved by reading your post and quite disarmed by it... it could have been my own. A year ago I started examining my business and saw a reflection of my own energy and beliefs. I was deeply fatigued, frantically and furiously paddling to stay afloat, meeting deep needs of everyone and not noticing my own near annihilation. Physically, I was so done in that I had to start noticing! I had to accept that it was not in any way sustainable. I am trying to close the gap on this long process of revisioning and recreating my business and I'm nearly there. I thought I would rework some structural issues and expected that by February of 2011 I would have made the needed changes. What has ensued in this year has been a lot of 'almost there' and then seeing that I must have been making blocks to getting 'there'. Each moment has been an opportunity to release and let go of patterns that aren't serving me and to notice how much I want to cling to that habit energy. The hardest days have been the biggest gifts- when I take them as opportunities to get clearer and stronger and to notice this habit energy- the ways that I can slip into the deep groove so easily. (I also see that I don't need to keep proving that I'm capable of overcoming obstacles, that I'm not heroic based on that). I am welcoming ease. I am making patterns in my life that are taking hold, starting to gain speed and strength. Not everyone is 'on board' but they will be... in my situation I had to reclaim my ship... and I'm going to steer it into the direction of health and abundance and clear intention. I know that I do very good work. I do it exceptionally well and of course we should make a living from our gifts! I can see that you bring that intention to your work as well. It's from this place that I am learning to fill my own cup, knowing that if I don't, I can't continue to care for anyone. I will wish for you that the "seeing things as they are" (I so know those moments of looking at the numbers!) leads you to asking for more, expecting to thrive, and moving past any obstacles in your way. Everything is working because we are asking it to. And it sounds like you're getting better at asking too! Many blessings to you and thank you for sharing.
Affirmation:
With every breath, I fill myself with life anew.
Blessings,
Kim Conner
Jennifer first thank you for sharing, second I have to say you have a talent for writing and maybe it was the energy in your post I was drawn to it..couldnt stop reading it and I too could relate..just breathing..
Wishing you the best!
Anna
Thank you Karen, Kim and Anna for your comments. I have been off-kilter since writing this, ironically enough... Need to re-read it and your subsequent comments! ;-)
Focus wheel is on it's way... That should help. Thanks again for everything! This has been fun.
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